By Nicholas Carraway

For those of you who do not know Nicholas Carraway (I assume everyone does), he has spent the better part of the last twenty years traveling the country in a renovated R.V., working as a freelance reporter for a number of wonderful publications. His recent kick has been one-on-one interviews. Mr. Carraway has agreed to send the Main Street Journal his notes. Since he does not believe in the use of computers, the notes come in a large Federal Express envelope and are usually jumbled. The quotes you find in this article are mostly accurate; however, the questions may be somewhat out of place. This interview took place with former Presidential Candidate Al Sharpton at Joe’s Shanghai Restaurant in downtown Manhattan.

NC: Reverend, thank you for your time.

AS: (shaking hands) My pleasure Nick.

NC: Reverend, you have been tough on your own Democratic Party in recent days. Do you feel the Democrats are in disarray?

AS: I do believe the Democratic Party has moved far to the right. I do believe that the Party has a bunch of elephants running around in donkey clothing.

NC: That would seem to be a problem.

AS: I think we’ve got to stop being imitators of the Republicans. The strategists have said, in effect, that we’ve got to be elephants in donkey jackets to win. I think that is why we lost.

NC: But to be fair Reverend, you ran for President as a hard-lined Democrat in 2004, and lost.

AS: I think that is the most unusually concocted story I’ve ever heard.

NC: (pausing) But you did lose.

AS: Look, if that is a prerequisite, winning something – I won vice president of my student body in high school. That doesn’t mean anything.

NC: I see.

AS: I’m not interested in being another Archie Bunker, Nick. I’m looking forward to becoming George W. Bush.

NC: God help us all. Reverend, you took on health care as one of your benchmark issues in the 2004 Campaign. Are you in favor of universal health care?

AS: Look, I’m for universal health care, but it starts on the premise that we should have a constitutional right. If Charlton Heston can have a constitutional right to carry a rifle, why can’t grandma have a constitutional right to health care?

NC: How would you propose paying for such an initiative?

AS: Please, call me George W.

NC: I am not calling you George W.

AS: Suit yourself.

NC: Reverend, how would you fund a universal health care program?

AS: (looking around) Really? I have no idea. That’s one of the things I reflected about in the hospital, after my stabbing.

NC: Stabbing? What kind of places are you hanging out? Never mind, I don’t even want to know.

AS: I hear you.

NC: Reverend, I have been dying to ask, what is it that you do all day? I mean really, between you and me, do you have a job? Because it seems like whenever some tragedy happens like in some place like Boise, Idaho, the next thing I know, there you are standing outside the Boise Courthouse with a picket sign and a hot dog.

AS: (leaning back, laughing) A hot dog. That kills me!

NC: But do you have a church somewhere? Or some kind of job?

AS: (laughter) Nick – (more laughter) I don’t even eat hot dogs!

NC: I’m gonna take that as a no. No on the job. And no on the church.

AS: I hear you.

NC: Reverend, any plans at another run at the White House? Maybe 2008?

AS: Right now, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m still trying to pay off the last one.

NC: (laughs for a moment, then realizes the Reverend is not laughing) I see. Well, thank you for your time Reverend.

AS: Thank you Nick, thank you.