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By Nicholas Carraway

For those of you who do not know Nicholas Carraway (I assume everyone does), he has spent the better part of the last twenty years traveling the country in a renovated R.V., working as a freelance reporter for a number of wonderful publications. His recent kick has been one-on-one interviews. Mr. Carraway has agreed to send the Main Street Journal his notes. Since he does not believe in the use of computers, the notes come in a large Federal Express envelope and are usually jumbled. The quotes you find in this article are mostly accurate; however, the questions may be somewhat out of place. This interview with Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) took place at the Edoya Japanese Restaurant in Washington D.C., just blocks from the White House.

NC: Senator, thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk.

CS: Good morning Sandy.

NC: Sandy is our waiter. Senator, you have become the leading voice of dissent when faced with the judicial nominees of the President. Was your opposition to Judge Roberts and Judge Alito politically motivated?

CS: The Supreme Court justices have enormous power. With a flick of the pen they can change millions of people’s lives. We have to know a lot more than just whether they went to Pittsburgh Law School or Harvard Law School on their resume. We should know their judicial philosophy.

NC: Some though Senator, have accused you of reducing judicial philosophy down to one issue, abortion.

CS: I, for one, believe a judge can be pro-life, yet still be fair and balanced and uphold a woman’s right to choose.

NC: So pro-choice.

CS: Exactly.

NC: Senator, would you ever support a pro-life Justice?

CS: Of course I would (pauses, takes a long sip of water, pauses again, then suddenly bursts out in laughter, spewing water across the table, doubling over in his chair). I almost did it! I almost did it! I thought to myself, I can say this with a straight face, no problem. But it’s a harder than it looks; a lot harder than it looks!

NC: I’m sure it is Senator.

CS: (wiping dry his eyes) Oh wow, good times.

NC: Senator, in 2000 you took the Senate floor complaining how Republicans were holding up judicial nominees made by President Clinton, saying they deserved an up-or-down vote. Yet over the past year, you and your fellow Democrats have threatened filibuster on numerous occasions. Are you being hypocritical?

CS: Look, that’s the warp and woof in our country. The Founding Fathers intended the Senate to be a cooling saucer.

NC: (looking around the restaurant) I have no idea what you just said.

CS: The warp and woof. The warp and woof!

NC: I think we should move on. Senator, you have also criticized the President for authorizing wiretaps to track down and detect terrorists here in the United States. Has the President gone too far when it comes to protecting Americans?

CS: You know, on these matters I’m a moderate. But one thing I’m certain of, Gabe – the Founding Fathers were amazing. And they said in the debate between security and liberty, there was a careful balance that has to change from time to time.

NC: It’s Nicholas. Has the President abused that balance, and if so, what plan do the Democrats have to curb and deter terrorism here in the United States?

CS: Well, you can’t use a metal detector Gabe, but what about a smoke detector-like device that could be on the wall of every railroad station, on the car of every subway, that goes, beep-beep?

NC: (pausing) Beep-beep?

CS: Yes, beep-beep. Beep-beep-warp-woof.

NC: Beep-beep and warp-woof? That is the plan of the Democrats?

CS: That, or something like that.

NC: I see. Well thank you for your time Senator, and your thoughts.

CS: No, thank you Sandy.

NC: Senator, Sandy is our waiter.