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By Nicholas Carraway

For those of you who do not know Nicholas Carraway (I assume everyone does), he has spent the better part of the last twenty years traveling the country in a renovated R.V., working as a freelance reporter for a number of wonderful publications. His recent kick has been one-on-one interviews. Mr. Carraway has agreed to send the Main Street Journal his notes. Since he does not believe in the use of computers, the notes come in a large Federal Express envelope and are usually jumbled. The quotes you find in this article are mostly accurate; however, the questions may be somewhat out of place. This interview with Democratic Chair Howard Dean took place at the plush Palm Restaurant NW 19th Street in downtown Washington, D.C.

NC: Governor Dean, welcome.

HD: Thanks, Nicholas.

NC: Governor, since being elected Chairman of the Democratic Party, you have come out swinging against the Republican Party.

HD: Yes, I hate Republicans.

NC: Those are some pretty strong words, to say you hate Republicans.

HD: Actually, that is a little out of context.

NC: But that’s what you just said Governor. You just said, quote, I hate Republicans.

HD: Nicholas, anyone can do that, put words in someone’s mouth. Watch this: Quote, I Google myself daily, Nicholas Carraway. See how that works? You have to consider context.

NC: So what is the context?

HD: What I meant was, Republicans behave the same and look the same. The Republican Party is pretty much a white Christian party.

NC: I see. So that’s the context?

HD: Yes. And also, I hate Republicans.

NC: (gripping the pencil tight) Governor, let’s talk about Iraq. You have become the leading voice of dissent in your Party when it comes to Iraq.

HD: Nicholas, I just wish the President had spent more time on the Middle East and less time on Iraq.

NC: (pausing) But isn’t Iraq in the Middle East?

HD: You could say that Nicholas, sure, you could say that. You could also say that Job is a book found in the New Testament, couldn’t you? I mean, half the time you’re wrong.

NC: Yes you are Governor, yes you are.

HD: Look, this President is just not interested in being a good President. He is interested in some complicated psychological situation that he has with his father.

NC: Governor, you rely heavily on your medical background as a doctor when making speeches and arguing your case. Here you are in 2004 making a speech to eighth graders at Longfellow Middle School in LaCrosse, Wisconsin. Do you mind?

HD: Not at all.

NC: You said, and I quote, Now that we’re on dog pee, we can have an interesting conversation about that. I do not recommend drinking urine, but if you drink water straight from the river, you have a greater chance of getting an infection than you do if you drink urine.

HD: That’s true Nicholas.

NC: I really just have one question about that. What the heck were you thinking? I mean really, what were you thinking? There had to have been some campaign advisor in the back of the room waving their hand back and forth over their throat, telling you, for the love of all that is good and pure, to stop talking.

HD: You would think so.

NC: Yes you would. How about the Supreme Court? As Judge Alito prepares for his confirmation hearings in January, do the Democrats have a slash-and-burn policy with any conservative judge the President appoints from here on out?

HD: Nicholas, I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can’t play, you know, hide the salami, or whatever it’s called.

NC: (long pause) Governor, do you have any idea what comes out of your mouth?

HD: Generally, no.

NC: I see. Well, Governor, thank you for your time. I know you have a busy campaign season coming up. Where is your next stop from here?

HD: Well, we are going up to New Hampshire.

NC: That should be nice. Thank you for –

HD: And then we are going to South Carolina, Nicholas. And then we’re going to Oklahoma. And then to Arizona.

NC: I see, well, that should keep you busy. Best of –

HD: Then it’s on to North Dakota, then New Mexico, then California and Texas and New York.

NC: Okay, I get the point.

HD: (turning to his Administrative Assistant) Where are we going after New York?

AA: South Dakota.

HD: That’s right, South Dakota. Then Oregon, then Washington, then on to Michigan.

NC: (getting up to leave as he continues to talk)

HD: (yelling after him) And then we’re coming back to Washington!

NC: (shouting from down the hall) Okay Governor, thank you!